The REAL TRUE Picture

Why Do Men Abuse Women

There are many reason and none of them are acceptable. The real answer is one that I have yet found a man who is willing to acknowledge. The truth is man have been trained to abuse women over centuries of contunied man training.

As men we are expected to be dominant over women. Yet we also hear that you never hit a woman. Yes it is that mixed message that leads to all the excuses and denial of abuse. This is the main obstacle to stopping domestic abuse.

Men cannot accept thier own abusive acts without the shame of knowing they are a “woman beater” They have grown up seeing,experiancing and learning that they must be in control over a female but to admit it is yet the most difficult task in learning non abusive behavior.

The mixed message it this: Men can’t be a man if he is not in control of his partner but a real man does not harm his partner. Men are trained to gain control through force and never take the time to learn other means once this force works.

Every part of our society supports strong,powerful men. This only leads to thinking that encourgages abuse.

We as men need to change this way of thinking to stop abuse.

That is the real true picture!

I Have an Anger Problem

Early in life when a child is upset and acts out often their parents tell the child that they must have an anger problem. The same child goes to school acting out and the teacher tells them they must have an anger problem. As the child grows and continues this behavior they are sent to counseling and told they must have an anger problem. The child becomes an adult continues to get in trouble fighting and bullying others saying only that I’ve always had an anger problem.

The “anger problem” becomes an acceptable excuse for the violence way too often. It is easier to accept this rather than look for the real true picture which is that anger is not understood and how it is handled is the problem,NOT THE ANGER!

What is anger? It is a feeling that we all have. What do you think about when you hear ANGER? Nothing very good I’m sure. Rather than looking at anger as a bad thing why not look at it as motivation. What?? Yes motivation, anger is just a feeling to let us know something is wrong and something needs to change. Let the anger motivate you to find out what is wrong and what needs to change. Use anger to help YOU not HURT OTHERS.

Anger is not the problem,how you deal with it is the problem.

Domestic Violence 101 Part II

Accepting the truth or The Real True Picture is one of the most difficult steps  when dealing with domestic violence. Victims and abusers both struggle so much with this. Why, because we have been told that this crime only occurs to families that are poor and unsuccessful in life.

The stereotype for an abuser is a person who comes from a bad home without opportunity. Maybe someone who is uneducated and unemployed. 

For the victim the stereotype may be a meek person again living in an environment without a future.  A poor family living on welfare  with many children.

Neither of these are true.  There is no stereotype. Domestic Violence can happen in any family, any economic class, any race and can be in any profession. It makes not difference where we come from what makes the difference is what we have learned in our lives. What we learn will become our beliefs, our behavior activated by our beliefs. This is true with all of our behaviors.

What behaviors are you teaching your family? Is it something that you would be proud of or is it something you would not want anyone to know about?

If you answer the latter then it is time to challenge those beliefs. That is the only way to correct bad behavior. This is not an easy task especially when it comes to domestic violence. Why, because we all know it is bad, so bad that we refuse to accept that we could ever do such a thing.

The very first step in stopping domestic violence is accountability. Admitting that it is happening is so hard for both victims and abusers. We do not want to be “that kind of low life person”.

Sadly it will continue until there is accountability. Even more sad someone will be hurt both physically and emotionally until there is accountability. Someone may even die without accountability. Even worse the cycle will continue .

Domestic Violence 101 Part I

Intimidation,Emotional Abuse,Using Isolation,Minimization,Denial,Blame,Using Children,Male Privilege,Economic Abuse,Coercion and Threats if you have ever used any of these to control a partner you are abusive. These are all part of the Power and Control Wheel used in the Duluth Model Domestic Abuse Intervention Project. Has someone used any of these to control you? If so you are a victim of domestic abuse. 

Future posts will go into detail on examples of each of these components because it is so important to understand every part of this wheel. Every incident of abuse includes a part of this wheel and more often multiple parts of the wheel.

Where does this behavior come from? It is learned in life in many different ways. It may be occurring in the home, watched on television, or observed in some other means. It is taken in and processed as the way it should be in a relationship. Later in life it may be used, it may work to control and then the cycle will repeat.

Yes, domestic violence is a learned behavior. What have you learned? What are you teaching your children? We are biggest influence on our kids. If you are abusing you are showing your sons it is okay to control this way. If you are being abused you are teaching your daughters it is okay to be abused.

The good part is that domestice violence can also be unlearned. How can this happen? Set the example, you are the model of what your children will become. Are you showing them what that deserve?

What is Domestic Violence?

Gandhi said “Any attempt to impose your will on another is an act of violence.”  Imposing or forcing our will or wants on a partner is domestic violence. Of course there are varying degrees of this up to physical violence.

Has someone forced their will on you? Have you forced your will on your partner? Did you feel that you were made to do something you really did not agree with and then resented  or felt belittled about it? If you have forced another did you feel it was your place to do so?

In an equal and loving relationship there is no need for forcing our partners to do anything. We talk, negotiate and come to an agreement. We do all this respectfully as a team.

Many think domestic violence is only hitting. That is only a small part while yes it is very serious but really the end result. It will always begin with emotional violence.

Physical violence will leave bruises,cuts,and black eyes but these will heal and/or can be covered up. Emotional violence will leave a mark on the heart and soul that will never go away. This emotional abuse can and will scar so bad that it may follow and affect the victim in every move they make for the rest of their life.

The first step in putting an end to this is learning and believing that you only have control of yourself. You cannot control another person.

Welcome to The Real True Picture!

Welcome to The Real True Picture! This site is dedicated to providing  support and education to the victims of domestic violence. We will focus on the victims and provide the “Real True Picture” of family violence in an effort to end this cycle that destroys families every day through out the world. We will provide resources to increase the awareness to not only victims, their families, friends and relatives, but also to the abuser. We firmly believe that the solution to ending this behavior is through understanding that everyone is in control of the choices they make. Domestic Violence can end when people learn they have the capacity to make better choices.